How I see the world ?

I’ve just spent a few hours on the internet and I know its mostly fake or absurd news but all I have read is people being stabbed , terror attacks with knives, people beaten up new years eve, families loosing loved ones over the Christmas period. Its a sad state some boy or girl may never have that parent to cuddle or talk to and wish good night. To be honest the thought runs through my mind every single time I leave the door for work as in my job I never know what could turn up at the door or the way events of the night could turn, its what I love the most and fear the most at the same time.

If this has all been planned from the start then lets call them the terrorists have been very clever hardest part of war I suppose is getting troops into a good position look at how we suffered just landing on the beaches during the wars all those men who lost their lives having not even had a chance to lift a rifle , I think if they terrorist planned  a multi-generational strike plant people thought-out the country raise and grow an army and strike systematically from with-in its basically guerrilla warfare . using our own kindness and policies against us. I read the one handed terror leaders son has been arrested for alleged murder, to show the point I am making. I notice how when we had that influx of “children” who need asylum most were fighting age men .  Its a clever notion really.

These days coming to work riding along I see gangs of youth dressed up like there idol pure dark clothing hoods over the face and half masks, everywhere I ride the faint smell of cannabis, while I am not against it , I am when technically my money paid for it when its nothing but benefit money that paid for the drugs and again I am not against anyone on benefits a lot of people I know cant work for what ever reason whether it be disability , mental health, or not capable with children or other people they need to care for so I believe in the benefits system and I to a degree believe some people have hard lives and need benefits but some just abuse the system and it angers me that money could be used for more nurses , police or give everyone else a better life .

The worlds now 24 hours I know I work at night why there maybe less people about it doesn’t stop I am never lonely I am always accompanied by someone , Tesco , mcdonalds all open 24hr for a reason the world runs to fit in with how society has changed so much and so many people now keep me alert at night its changed so much over the years .

I was having a conversation this morning over the Brexit deal or the potential for there not to be one , one point I made , I believe that in the event of there not being one the government has set a contract up with a shipping firm sea Bourne at Ramsgate, the company insists it will be ready by is having to borrow and acquire the ships from other countries , one question I raise is why have we not considered re-opening the steel works in the north that have so long suffered job losses, the steel works used to support some of the northern towns and cities the film “full monty” was based around steel workers loosing their jobs.

Opening the steel works making the steel to re-open the ship building yards in the north would boost the jobs market in the north , give the country a economic boost and help Britain fend for its self without the need to beg steal and deal our way which see,s to be the way these days instead of looking after ourselves we cower in fear we were a self sufficient nation or hard workers . I believe we could be again under the right leadership someone who believes in a cause. We should of been prepping from the start not waiting and negotiating now we look under prepared and will suffer paying large sums for no reason. I heard the slogan “make Britain great again” only way that would happen is by Believing in Britain every household together and not letting the rich get richer when we need to develop the Uk economy .

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Not sure of a title

I don’t know if the events of the past few weeks have changed me or I am just feeling different. The world seems empty and boring the routine of life seems singular, then in my head or my fantasies I am not sure which, there is a small and stunning glimmer of hope and happiness, almost a escape. Its a task hiding how I feel but how do you know what is real in your own mind what you see and perceive is only relative from your own perspective.

you take an orange the glistening skin, shining in the light from above the colour is bright , stands out you can almost taste the juice with-in you mouth waters how do you know the true insides of the orange are worth the anticipation. life and new adventures are the same every day you hope you can finally ease the thirst.

I was watching a programme and I have never heard anyone else describe life , he said his life was a tunnel he was trapped inside no means of escape just had to keep moving forward amazing how accurate a description that was really. you are always moving towards that light at the end of the tunnel that is happiness but every time you think your about to reach it something happens that moves the end of the tunnel further away and the more you fall into your depression , I like to use spiralling the further away that light is , I suppose giving up would be not to try and reach that light , stopping still , think that’s where I am at , at the moment when you been trying to reach that light but the people in your life refuse to help you reach that light because there perception is not the same as yours there mind is not the same how could they understand or for that matter do they care ?  maybe the light can move towards me or is that a fantasy ? I’m not sure  but I hope so…

Fighting yourself

No one can understand can fully understand your thoughts, they are your own, they are private, hidden and silent. I can remember the very moment my life changed I am not sure if its the moment you stop being a child or the moment you break through that barrier and realise the world isn’t a good place. I remember the moment to the second where my personality broke or I lost something I am not sure what it was but I felt it I was running full pelt along the corridor outside that split the school buildings at havel school when I suddenly stopped and looked back I actually felt that moment that something had gone? what it was I don’t know but to be honest ever since that moment, I never felt the same about  a single person I lost that belief in full trust, compassion as if I had now gained a space in my brain this is the moment I became and felt different I no longer had close friends , I have never had one since , I have had “friends” or people I spend time with but non like the days of ASA , or Amy Marlow or the other people who have stuck in my mind my entire life. this was the moment I broke.

Questioning myself has become strong the last few years I spent my teenage years just trying to fit into a society I could not comprehend why everyone else enjoyed themselves my brain was running at 2000% believing in its own fantasies believing and being obsessed with it thoughts locking on to individuals only now I see that I was thinking different to everyone in my teenage years I still believed the notion of love , it wasn’t till I got destroyed by the pot wash girl who became a deadly kryptonite for many years . it then took another painful blow and loosing out on time with my son, followed by years of untreated distrust to send me over the edge. now I can always feel the other side of me pushing , what ever I lost in that corridor left a space and something else has filled it , I can sense it, a chamber of thoughts , hatred , darkness, suspicion and ultimate distrust your inner thoughts can change who you are a word said in your head enough times can become a thought . medication goes so far to stop the thoughts racing stops it overwhelming to the point your thoughts race past you like being on a space ship at warp speed now they slowed. but they are still there sitting in a pub, mcdonalds, walking through town that little voice showing you what could happen, profiling everyone around you , looking at the details and making up its own story. You make think I am ignoring you when I am with you but why you are there my heads running scenarios, looking for options or is locking on to and thought past , future or present medication cant control that only I can. People around me need to understand my life’s not my own I am past , present and future rolled into one. I have a detective pointing things out, a carer worrying, a guard protecting, I know things are changing the world around me evolves the changes in others every time I am betrayed or I loose someone I could potentially trust drives me further into myself . I will be silent I am processing the days to come the moments to come , the fantasies and the reality . one day maybe my thoughts will be understood or one day they will brake . Either way the silence is me the different parts working together .

The guinea Pigs have arrived

Charlie

new to guinea pigs

The kids have been mivering for a new pet and a friend of a friend advertised these so we went looking and the kids were very excited although Darci is apprehensive a little she loves her “Fluffy” and will stroke him , hopefully soon her confidence will improve as the guinea pigs confidence improves . So far out of the two pigs “fluffy” seems to be the more trusting and vocal towards us , Fluffy wheeks for food if I enter the fridge we have been giving them veg as well as hay and guinea pig food bought from Wilkinson’s was advised to go there as its cheaper  . I had spent the weeks prior watching clips on you tube especially those by Little adventures , the lady has one called Sylvester he seems a character and little one who I think passed but well worth a watch if your new just search little adventures on you tube

First set up

Our first week we used saw dust as shown in the picture above but have since moved onto the fleece method and using a toilet in the corner they seem much happier with that setup . Charlie has become the more dominant boar (male) over Fluffy also a boar , Charlie seems to have grown bigger in the first few weeks over fluffy and Charlie sleeps in the bigger hide why fluffy sleeps above . We have been taming them slowly left them alone as much as possible first few days but with excited kids that was hard my son Kian has a knack of catching them quick and is hands on with them the most , I had the pigs out playing this morning and they came and one even licked my arm which I think was fluffy he seems the most confident despite being the lower ranking male but someone has to lead but the two brothers have started to settle in . and I will update the blog as to there adventures hoping to get a nice setup one day when they older seen these and think I prefer them to a cage

The Snip !!

The problem with kids is, they are kids dependant you your every spare moment of time, you finally sit down to breath and those slow motion words appear “Daaaaadd” an up you et for another round of what is next. the plan appeared one day after the misses returned from the routine smear test with the words ” My Coil is stuck, they cant reach the strings” being informed that she is having it removed meant only one thing to her it meant it was time for me to have the snip over the years this has been mentioned but I realised I am at the stage where if I was to bring another dependant child into the world I would not be able to keep up with the challenges I would face the sleepless nights , my schedule was already packed enough between school runs, work, jobs and house chores the idea of having a child now was a scary thought .

The look of shock that appeared on her face when I picked up the phone and made the appointment to see the GP was priceless. I wasn’t filled with a sense of looming doom or losing being a man in fact at the time was very calm about the concept. The day came to see the GP my Gp was a very understanding man he knows me well enough he asked the questions about my family and upon insuring him three kids is definitely enough for any man to cope with the consultation was booked just had to sit and chill until a letter came.

Appointment one – Consultation

The day came for my first consultation with the people who would be making me fire blanks for the remainder of my existence sitting alone in a waiting room on a chilly evening  in February  in a doctors surgery the other side of town it was done at 7pm I sat watching an overweight security guard lean over the banister watching downstairs his belly made his shirt repeatedly un-tuck  and he was routing through his nose and I remember thinking about hoping he is not anywhere near my operation when it happens as he looked as though he had never seen a showerhead but still his antics and appearance kept my mind busy . My name was called out by a kind looking lady she took me off to a room and discussed my details checking my date of birth and giving me a brief run though of what I needed to do before the operation gave me advice on aftercare and gave me a little black bag with pot in and some leaflets . The pot was for three months after for the “sample” this was all explained on how they have to check the operation was successful by a sperm test . I then went back to a waiting room and then saw the consultant who booked me in only problem was it was a few months away horrible wait ….

Three is enough

The day they cut the tubes

The day arrived  9am on a Sunday morning, Sundays were the days they did them again being let into the empty doctors by the rather large and un-kept security guard. his little station downstairs covered in food and his laptop to keep him occupied he led me upstairs , I was greeted by a nice nurse who led me to a waiting room I was still calm the idea of the needle did not concern me being diabetic I am use to them now. I was alone my misses had to stay at home with the kids , I was then joined by a man and his partner and then shortly after another man and his family including two kids . I didn’t have long to wait then , I went into one room where I had my details checked along with the medication I am on and alittle bit more explained again about after care then taken back to waiting room for few moments then I was called in by a nurse I went into the room smelled clean and bald man but kind looking greeted me his name was will he would be doing my operation he told me to pull down my pants and pop on the bed which I did rather eagerly to say he was about to cut my testicles off . he put some cold liquid on my nut sack , I could see the needles and scissors on the tray , he explained every step calmly he then numbed one side with a needle which for men out there if just goes into the sack annot all the way into your testicle and does not hurt , then then did the other side , waiting literally a second if that before he was pulling a vas tube out like a elastic band , I felt a tiny bit of tugging in my lower stomach that was it wasn’t painful just odd sort of like the after feeling of being kicked down there few moments later he said that was done and moved on to the other side , he used a sort of heat soldering tool to singe the tubes then tided each side so three times the protection . he did the other side and done .

The nurse then put lots of padding on and pulled my rather fetching tight undies up and I went to sit in the waiting room for a hour . discussing it with others why in the room . after the very long and boring hour passed I went back to have my dressing checked but as there was lots of blood she squeezed the wound on the left hand together that stung alittle as the anaesthetic had begun to where off , she replaced he padding and sent me off , home . I ordered a taxi , big tip don’t !! have someone waiting as the anestheric had worn off and it was now warm outside and the adrenlin had come down I just wanted to get home and having to wait for a very late taxi was a night mare . also take the two weeks off as advised I went back work two days later ended up messing myself up and getting a infection so ended up having two weeks off anyway sitting in the garden thought that day was sunny and nice , with ice  packs cooling my balls and stopping any pain was great .

The test

The worst part was this part for me , Being on anti depressants is the same meds they use for premature ejaculation so sometimes it takes longer to fire off . I had to go all the way to Liverpool womens hospital and being in a room was dimmed a comfy but no wifi signal for porn hub no porn and you can hear the guy in the next room banging one out is not sexy …. I was sweating away it just wasn’t cummig literally ended up ringing her, she just said , well you best do it or no sex for you till I know your firing blanks no pressure . then she rung me saying I had to rush or I would miss the train …. great more pressure then with a stroke of luck someone brought there misses in having a sly listen helped …. pot put in the two way cabinet washed up and head home after 45 minutes of hell . few weeks later got the all clear . and its official no more kids  

Getting the Snip